Ok, high stress time. Better start writing again. Otherwise I am going to explode again. How do I keep getting myself into these fucked up situations. Was I cursed at birth? So the situation is on Thanksgiving I asked my husband, Josh, for a divorce. A couple days later he agreed. A day after that my roommate and one of my best friends, Desiree, told me she and my husband had feelings for each other. Ready for another twist? Desiree's husband also lives with us and I still have to live in that house for three months until I can afford my own place.
Then comes this weekend and the shit that hit the fan. Sunday I went out with an ex boyfriend. Now keep in mind that there is a reason he is an ex. But I needed some "me attention." It worked for that night. Huge release of some pent up energy. Then after I got home, Josh found out what I had done that night. I got called some pretty nasty names and he spent the night in the living room crying his eyes out. Desiree and her husband were the ones comforting him. I was in the room hiding; confused why he was so upset when he was already in love with another woman.
Now on to Monday. Desiree finally caved and told her husband that she had feelings for Josh. There was a lot of arguing that day and a lot of crying on Desiree's part.
Ready for the funny part of the story. I am the one who is actually ok with Josh and Desiree being together. Cross my heart and pinky promise I am ok with it. Josh and I have been over for a long time. I will always care for the guy, but I haven't been in love with him for almost two years. Desiree and I even talk very openly about their feelings for each other. Yeah it may sound awkward, but we have that close of a friendship.
Last night I did learn what part I am not ok with. I am not ok with seeing the two of them together. Not because it is my soon to be ex husband and best friend, but instead that there is now a reality that I am going to be alone. I do not do well alone. So let me tell you about last night.
When things calmed down last night between Desiree and her husband; they ended laying down on the sofa sleeper. Josh came home from work shortly after 11pm. He came into the room with me to go to bed. Yes, due to the situation, we have still been sharing a bed. But that will all change tonight. Desiree came in a few minutes later. She laid her head on my lap and i rubbed her head for her. Josh laid next to her, talking and looking lovingly at her. Her hand was on his arm. I had to keep looking away from them to maintain control.
Then Josh asked Desiree to go into the bathroom with him while he finished shaving. And they close the bathroom door. How fucked up is that? I am still right there and can't even leave the room; cause if I did Desiree's husband would know that they were in there alone talking. Then more shit would hit the fan. I lost it. The room felt like a small prison cell. My head was going nuts. I sent Desiree a text telling her how I felt. All of us had just broken up and she knew I still had issues with seeing them together. It is one thing to talk about things, but to see it is completely different. And then to shut the bathroom door.
By the time they came out I was curled up into a ball on the bed, balling my eyes out. Desiree immediately came over and told me she was sorry and that she would never do anything but talk to Josh while I was around. I believed her, but at that time I was too worked up. I told Josh I wanted to knock his lights out. I was so angry and sad for the pain they had just put me through. Desiree asked me if I forgive her and still loved her. I could not answer her at the time.
I stand by what I said before. The fact that it is them has nothing to do with why I broke down. I had to do with the fact that I am alone. I am extremely co dependent. I know it is a bad thing. I am actually not as bad as I used to be, but I am still co dependent. Since my breakdown last night I have had two more emotional breakdowns due to the fact I am alone.
Desiree has told me that she will always be there for me when I need it. But it is not the same. I have been in a relationship for the last 15 years of my life. This is going to be a hard adjustment for me. I want that relationship feeling. It is just going to be very hard for me to see that they have each other and I have nobody.
